Julie you characterized the family dynamic that surrounds the “person of rage” so accurately. My spouse’s mother struggles with severe rage towards all of her family members and has her entire adult life. I have always been shocked at how she speaks to her adult children and spouse with such vehemence, saying things that my own parents would never say to me, and then the very next time she interacts with a family member there is never a mention of the awfulness that was spoken. Thankfully my spouse has broken the cycle within our own family by talking openly with our own children about the damage it has done to him, and how valuable open dialog and therapy are in repairing those verbal bruises; how important boundaries are in certain relationships, and how sometimes even distancing yourself physically from those people is all that you can do to protect yourself because, as you said, often no amount of confronting or intervention can change this person’s behavior. My heart goes out to all those who take those difficult steps to break the cycle of anger in a family unit and protect themselves and their children from the damage that it causes. ❤️
Three weeks ago I watched as my husband of 26 years was taken away in HANDCUFFS for attacking our 18 year old in anger!
Thank you for breaking a different kind of fourth wall. The kind where we are all pretending all is well when deep down inside it is not. This topic needs more exposure, so many of us are afraid that discussing it means we live with abuse all the time, but that is not the case. We have great lives that others envy, but simmering anger and rage is sprinkled throughout. I am still clinging to hope that we can fix this, but even if we can’t, I need to make sure I deal with my own simmering pot so that my kids have at least one truly safe parent.
My family has made a lot of progress on this front with IFS therapy - internal family systems has helped us to work with our angry “parts” and not just work/will them away. We have both exploders and “stuffers” in our house. This topic is SO important to talk about Julie, thank you!
As a former highly-stressed, irritable mother, I found the most effective thing for me was meditation. I did it first thing in the morning religiously. I sat for 20-60 minutes in a calm, peaceful state focusing only on music. When my mind wandered, I brought it back to the music. I would also do this throughout the day as needed. It slowed the momentum of my negative feelings and now I’m mostly positive and optimistic. It takes awhile to see the results but the meditation has a cumulative effect. It’s a game changer! It’s free. It’s relaxing. It can be done anywhere. And other than time, it doesn’t add more to your plate (to figure out or research).
Really great article, and kudos for putting this topic out there. I especially appreciated you pointing out that when we homeschool our home becomes the whole world for our kids, so it is even more important that we make sure the environment we provide is one in which they feel safe and nurtured. I think it is really important we make sure we as parents take time we need to keep our own stress and mental health in order (eventhough it is often hard to make the time) so that we can make sure we are able to provide calm, constant support for our kids. Thanks for sharing
This was such a hard topic but written about in such a beautiful way. Thank you for tackling something that many don’t want to acknowledge and for offering us insights and the importance behind why it’s so damaging and how to move towards doing better. I look forward to these posts so much.
Julie you characterized the family dynamic that surrounds the “person of rage” so accurately. My spouse’s mother struggles with severe rage towards all of her family members and has her entire adult life. I have always been shocked at how she speaks to her adult children and spouse with such vehemence, saying things that my own parents would never say to me, and then the very next time she interacts with a family member there is never a mention of the awfulness that was spoken. Thankfully my spouse has broken the cycle within our own family by talking openly with our own children about the damage it has done to him, and how valuable open dialog and therapy are in repairing those verbal bruises; how important boundaries are in certain relationships, and how sometimes even distancing yourself physically from those people is all that you can do to protect yourself because, as you said, often no amount of confronting or intervention can change this person’s behavior. My heart goes out to all those who take those difficult steps to break the cycle of anger in a family unit and protect themselves and their children from the damage that it causes. ❤️
Three weeks ago I watched as my husband of 26 years was taken away in HANDCUFFS for attacking our 18 year old in anger!
Thank you for breaking a different kind of fourth wall. The kind where we are all pretending all is well when deep down inside it is not. This topic needs more exposure, so many of us are afraid that discussing it means we live with abuse all the time, but that is not the case. We have great lives that others envy, but simmering anger and rage is sprinkled throughout. I am still clinging to hope that we can fix this, but even if we can’t, I need to make sure I deal with my own simmering pot so that my kids have at least one truly safe parent.
Thank you so much for the linked article!
Good job taking the anger seriously enough to address it. Thanks for sharing your story.
My family has made a lot of progress on this front with IFS therapy - internal family systems has helped us to work with our angry “parts” and not just work/will them away. We have both exploders and “stuffers” in our house. This topic is SO important to talk about Julie, thank you!
Very good!
As a former highly-stressed, irritable mother, I found the most effective thing for me was meditation. I did it first thing in the morning religiously. I sat for 20-60 minutes in a calm, peaceful state focusing only on music. When my mind wandered, I brought it back to the music. I would also do this throughout the day as needed. It slowed the momentum of my negative feelings and now I’m mostly positive and optimistic. It takes awhile to see the results but the meditation has a cumulative effect. It’s a game changer! It’s free. It’s relaxing. It can be done anywhere. And other than time, it doesn’t add more to your plate (to figure out or research).
That’s beautiful!
Really great article, and kudos for putting this topic out there. I especially appreciated you pointing out that when we homeschool our home becomes the whole world for our kids, so it is even more important that we make sure the environment we provide is one in which they feel safe and nurtured. I think it is really important we make sure we as parents take time we need to keep our own stress and mental health in order (eventhough it is often hard to make the time) so that we can make sure we are able to provide calm, constant support for our kids. Thanks for sharing
Thanks for commenting!
This was such a hard topic but written about in such a beautiful way. Thank you for tackling something that many don’t want to acknowledge and for offering us insights and the importance behind why it’s so damaging and how to move towards doing better. I look forward to these posts so much.
Thank you for writing this. 🙏
Thank you so much for writing this. It made me cry. I needed to read it.
Wow. Such a helpful topic. Somber, yes. Very needed. Thank you!