Value your child's voice

Children turn off their “real voice" around you if they develop the habit of shutting down their genuine ideas, thoughts, preferences, wishes, and dreams.

“Writing voice” is two words. The word we want to explore today is “voice” all by itself.

Peter Elbow (my writing mentor, who recently passed away: sob) describes it this way:

“Most children have real voice but then lose it. It is often just plain loud: like screeching or banging a drum. It can be annoying or wearing for others. ‘Shhh’ is the response we get to the power of real voice.

“But, in addition, much of what we say with real voice is difficult for those around us to deal with: anger, grief, self-pity, even love for the wrong people. When we are hushed up from those expressions, we lose real voice.”

Here’s where we sometimes go wrong as parents. We're busy, our children are young and inexperienced. When they risk saying what they really think, we sometimes move into what I call “civilize the savages” mode. We are more worried about the appearance of what they say than what it is, in fact, they are saying.

Children turn off their “real voice" around you if they develop the habit of shutting down their genuine

• ideas,

• thoughts,

• preferences,

• wishes,

• and dreams.

Then when you write with them, they turn to you and expect you to tell them what words ought to fill the page, just like they now wait for you to show them what thoughts are acceptable to say out loud.

Writing is a risk, but so is speaking. We must create space for both the prudent, acceptable, “makes Mama proud” words and the “Oh I hope she doesn’t really feel that way” words. We need to pause and let the rumble of language flow through our kids verbally and they must know that you are interested, receptive, and open-minded enough to hear it (without freaking out) in order for them to find their writing voices.

You can start today

A focused minute of conversation where you really hear what one of your kids is saying is the beginning of fostering an environment where what your child means to say becomes the norm for what is written.

You may have to change your perceptions of what writing is too. It may be that you use an artificial voice when you write—the one the teacher told you sounded more grown up, or the one that keeps you from being perceived as impolite, or the one you use to project a cheery disposition.

Maybe you don’t even write because the risk feels too great and you avoid it.

Take some time to explore how much space there is in yourself, in your children, and in your home to express authentic voice (verbally first, in writing second). See what you can do to expand that space.

Baby steps

• “You look angry—want to tell me about it? Want to yell about it?”

• “Your giggly, silliness is cracking me up! I want to be as silly as you!”

• “It’s okay to be really sad right now. Tell me about it.”

• “I hate that too, sometimes.”

• “You are so smart using all those big words!”

• “I would love to hear you tell me more about that story! Go for it. I want every tiny detail.” (Instead of insisting on summary)

See what happens…

I know for me, I had to put my phone down and walk away from the computer. I also found that it was easy to tune out my kids when the topic didn't interest me or they were struggling to find the words (like Yu-Gi-Oh cards, or how to assemble a Rubik's cube). I had to remind myself to pay attention and to care.

You can’t do it every time, but you can do it some of the time, for each child in a rotating way. Once you get the hang of it, you'll be astounded by how deep and thoughtful your kids really are!

And that's the beginning of a writing life.

---