Podcast: Freedom from Shame with Parenting Coach Crystal Haitsma
Ep. #276 explores how shame influences our parenting—often without our realizing it.
How does shame shape the way we parent?
In this Brave Writer podcast episode, we sit down with life coach and homeschooling parent Crystal Haitsma to explore how shame influences our parenting—often without our realizing it.
Crystal shares her insights on the difference between guilt and shame, and how we can shift from frustration to curiosity in our relationships with our kids. We also discuss how prioritizing self-compassion can transform both homeschooling and daily life, helping us build stronger connections with our children.
If you’ve ever felt discouraged, overwhelmed, or like you’re “not enough” as a parent, this conversation will bring comfort and clarity. Tune in now to learn how to shift your mindset and create a more peaceful home.
Show Notes
Parenting is often described as one of the most rewarding experiences in life—but it’s also deeply vulnerable. No matter how much we prepare, plan, and pour our hearts into raising our children, moments of frustration, self-doubt, and even shame inevitably creep in. We might wonder: Am I doing this right? Why do my kids resist everything I try to offer them? Why do I feel like I’m failing at something so important?
In our conversation with life coach Crystal Haitsma, we explored how shame plays an often-unseen role in parenting. She describes shame as more than just guilt—it’s the deep-seated belief that we are fundamentally not enough. While guilt says, “I did something wrong,” shame whispers, “I am wrong.” And when we parent from a place of shame, it subtly shapes our interactions with our children in ways we might not even realize.
Recognizing Shame in Parenting
Shame in parenting can take many forms. It might show up as exasperation when our kids don’t listen, as self-criticism when the homeschool plan falls apart, or as frustration when our home never seems tidy. It often disguises itself as anger, disappointment, or the belief that if our children’s behavior isn’t ideal, we must be doing something wrong.
Crystal encourages parents to ask, What meaning am I attaching to this? If our children resist our homeschool lessons, does it mean we’ve failed as educators? If they struggle with friendships, does it mean we didn’t prepare them well enough? When we attach our self-worth to our children’s actions, we set ourselves up for an emotional rollercoaster—one that neither we nor our kids signed up for.
Letting Go of the Need for External Validation
One of the most transformative concepts Crystal shares is letting go of the need for external validation, whether from our kids, other parents, or societal expectations. This creates space for a more peaceful, intuitive way of parenting. Instead of fighting against resistance, we can lean in with curiosity. Instead of controlling every aspect of our children’s education, we can trust their natural ability to learn in their own way and time.
What does this look like in practice? It might mean pausing in the midst of morning chaos and saying, Wow, everyone’s bickering today. This isn’t working. What do we need to shift? Instead of forcing a rigid plan, we can collaborate with our children, giving them a voice in their own education and daily rhythms.
Building Shame Resilience
Shame thrives in secrecy and self-judgment. The antidote? Self-compassion. Crystal recommends daily practices like:
journaling,
meditation,
or simply taking five minutes in the morning to check in with yourself before stepping into the role of “parent.”
By making space for our own growth, we increase our emotional capacity and create a home environment rooted in connection rather than control.
Our kids don’t need perfect parents. They need parents who are willing to grow, who model self-awareness, and who show them what it means to navigate life with resilience and self-compassion. When we step away from shame-based parenting, we free ourselves—and our children—to experience the joy of learning, growing, and being human together.
Resources
Crystal Haitsma’s website: www.coachcrystal.ca
Follow Crystal on Instagram: @the.parenting.coach
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Produced by NOVA
This was a lovely conversation and provided so much insight into how my mind is operating on a daily basis.